“Am I Autistic or Not” isn’t really a helpful question. It’s so big, and so abstract. Try asking yourself questions that are smaller and more concrete. Things like:
Which sensations are really difficult for me to handle? Do I experience sensory overloads? What can I do to reduce or prevent future sensory overloads?
Which sensations are really pleasurable for me? How can I incorporate more of those sensations into my life?
What activities or topics do I find very stimulating, thought-provoking, or exciting? How can I make more time in my life for pursuing those activities? Where can I meet other people who also enjoy those things?
Which aspects of socializing do I find hard? What do I find draining, uncomfortable, or confusing? Is there anyone I can ask for help understanding the things I find confusing? Are there social performances I can try doing less often, or less intensely?
Which activities seem to drain me more than other people, and how can I get the rest I need? Do I need far more recharge time after socializing than most people I know? Do organizational or administrative tasks like cleaning my house or answering emails take a lot of out me? Is there anyone I can ask for support, or any responsibilities I can let go of (or half ass)?
Finally, where do I feel at home? Which spaces make me feel comfortable? Which communities seem to get me? Who do I enjoy being around? Who brings out a playful, lighter, opener side of me? Where do I hate being and who do I dread being around? What do I need out of my home environment in order to feel at peace? How can I bring more of the positive into my life and reduce my contact with the negative?
Are you Autistic, Anon? – my answer is, who cares? It doesn’t matter. You don’t ever have to answer that if you don’t want to. Use whatever term you want, whenever it feels right. In the meantime, find the spaces, experiences, and people that help you feel less broken. That might include Autistic spaces, as well as other neurodivergent or queer ones. That’s fine. Explore widely. Each one of us is a complex enough person that we can’t be contained entirely by a single community, identity label, or space.
Private questions of identity matter very little if we aren’t actually living out that identity in community with other people. Find the spaces, people, and activities that are good for you – and if many of them are also very good for Autistic people, well then congrats, you’re our kin, whether your choose to adopt the label or not.
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